Rape Victim #432,534,450,654,239

his piece was written by Lia Tarachansky and performed as a spoken word poem at the Radical Vulvas show in Ottawa, on August 10th, 2008.
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I’m sorry darlin’ if your hands are like his touch

I’m sorry darlin’ but you’ll never know how much

I’m sorry darlin’ if your kiss is sometimes bitter

If when you sleep I stay awake and remember

-

I heard an angry, big, black woman talk

She spoke of what women deserve

Her voice resonates in my mind I sit here in the dark,

Breaking my head open over being too forward or too reserved

-

After battlefields of bad breakups

Judging hip size over makeup

Being crazy with intentions

But just too fucked up to mention

Pops the question- what do I deserve?

-

As I sit here in the dark, more than fifteen years have past

From the first stab to the last

When my tiny body was betrayed

When my innocence was raped

When I started to be afraid

I didn’t deserve anything.

-

now twenty four and he is still in my mind

Darlin’, you don’t understand what it means every time

That yes, sometimes, your love in disguise

When you’re caressing my thighs

You remind me of the first touches and the cries

When my legs were forced to open

And my mind was forced to close

-

I’m sorry darlin’ if your hands are like his touch

I’m sorry darlin’ but you’ll never know how much

I’m sorry darlin’ if your kiss is sometimes bitter

If when you sleep I stare into the wall and remember

-

Support groups aren’t for me, mamma

As you struggle to understand

The impossible to comprehend

Beating yourself over where you were

Now that you know

When my thighs were ripped wide open,

Eight years old.

-

When he told me in his deep, quiet voice

Don’t shake, I won’t hurt you, with my force.

-

Big hands, big face, deep voice, for two years

-

Ended up a warning on a wall in a high school class

Don’t wear short skirts, don’t walk home alone girls

Or you’ll end up wondering the worth

Of what you deserve?

-

Sex it up because no one will like you otherwise

Sex it up because that’s the only way they care

Preposterous, obnoxious, or self-conscious

As long as those pretty little legs open up to play

-

Fighting the images of battlefields for years

Of broken hearts and screaming matches,

picking partners who throw punches

-

Yes, big, black, angry woman.

Women deserve better all around

Everywhere we’re found

So stop telling pretending with equality

Stop telling me I’m free

After all HE did to me.

-

So yes, it took these years to say it loudly

It took these years to know the source

The depth of every part he’s entered

And not just there, my mind, my consciousness, my soul

-

I’m sorry darling if sometimes kissing you I shudder

Or when you want me to hold you down I think of him

If playing rough, I sometimes start it, feeling guilty while we’re laughing

Wanting to grow up, but afraid HE might come back

-

I’m sorry darlin’ but I can’t forget it

No, It does not just go away

And you are welcome, for my sharing

But I’m sharing it in my head all day

-

I’m sorry darlin’ if I’m sometimes distant

You are supportive, wonderful, and true

I sometimes wonder, do I deserve you?

Or will you end up on my battlefields too

-

I’m sorry darlin’ if your hands are like his touch

I’m sorry darlin’ but you’ll never know how much

I’m sorry darlin’ if your kiss is sometimes bitter

If when you sleep I stare into the dark and remember